A New Jouney

 Hello.

As of this time, this new blog is not for sharing with others. I write it only for me. If you happen to stumble across it in your journey across the reaches of the internet, I take no responsibility for any of the writings here, as far as their congruence with Church teaching, or even Carmelite spirituality. I am new. This, to me, is new. I am, I am discovering, a babe, even yet, at 38 years of age, a lifelong follower of Christ (though not always a faithful one), and a Catholic Convert of 7.5 years (officially; more like 8 years unofficially).

From childhood (looking back, I can now discern), I felt an attraction to a monastic sort of life. If I had been raised Catholic, rather than Southern Baptist, I might have discerned a call to religious life. Sadly (?), it was not to be, and before I discovered the rich depth of truth in the Catholic faith, I had married my now ex husband and had four children. And so, even though my first marriage was declared null by the tribunal, I was no more free to join a religious community than before. Part of me wonders if I missed God's first choice for my vocation, simply by not recognizing what the Spirit was saying to my soul. You see, even though teenage me joked about becoming a "Baptist nun," I knew there was really no such thing. Of course, another part of me (probably the sensible part) knows that if God had truly wanted me as a nun (or sister; I've since learned there's a difference), he would have kept the path open until I had been capable of seeing the possibility. Perhaps I would have been unable to have children, for example. And I can't look down on the gift of being married to my best friend, the love of my life, and raising our collective herd of children together. (I do, however, worry that I'm very bad at it, and every single one of their souls will end up lost, with me standing before God trying to give an account of how I could have possibly messed up so badly.)

But the fact remains that I am a Mary soul in a Martha world. I am constantly busy, worried, as our Lord said, about many things. There is laundry to wash and fold (and find--it's like my own personal Easter egg hunt), food to be planned and shopped for and prepared, meals and snacks to be cleaned up after. There is homework to help with and papers to fill out and sign. There are time cards to mail and coffee to make. Beds to make and trash to gather and carry out. Litter boxes to scoop, diapers to change, and people to drive to appointments. Meanwhile, I want nothing more than to simply sit at the feet of Jesus, and gaze into his eyes while hanging on his every precious word. 

But who can find the time?!?

Since October began, I've been making it a point to pray a daily rosary. I've (surprisingly) succeeded more often than failed. And yet, I nearly always feel dissatisfied with the quality of my prayers. I know, I know. Right this moment, the goal is to make the rosary a habit. To simply get one said every day. I have spent too long not saying one at all because I simply can't find the time or circumstance to say a "good" one. But I know it's supposed to be about meditating on the mysteries, and invariably, my mind wanders away to all the little Martha things.

I have, for some time, given casual thought to joining a third order, a "lay" religious group. I felt drawn toward the Carmelites, but was concerned that that might just be because they are so well known. Was I giving others a fair shake in the discernment process? Was it even actually a discernment process as yet? Well, having looked a bit deeper, I was surprised to discover that the Secular Carmelites are actually the only order that accepts married lay women! (One exception exists, but you have to join as a married couple, which is not really an option at this time.) I'm not ready to take the step of actually joining a group, as the one nearest to me is still over two hours' drive, and I don't feel I can commit to the monthly meetings and such at this point in my life. But I feel like I can see it as a part of my journey, just further down the road.

For now, I feel that my next steps are to get a Brown Scapular (I wore one once before for a time, but was never formally enrolled), be enrolled (obviously), consecrate myself to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and begin learning about the way of Carmel, and adopting its spiritual practices.  What I've discovered so far is equal parts encouraging and frustrating.

Encouraging: It sounds a lot like the way I used to pray when I was a lot younger, in some ways at least.

Frustrating: Silence is valued, even seen as essential. What? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over my husband and 92 kids!

I miss silence. You know how Simon and Garfunkel said, "Hello darkness my old friend?" Sub in silence for darkness, and you have a pretty good approximation of how I feel when I actually manage to find five minutes of peace and quiet.  Silence really is golden.  Precious and rare, and absolutely essential for good spiritual development.  No wonder my growth has been stunted in recent years.  I must make this more of a priority, even if it means learning how to get up early.  Yes, yes. I know the saints universally recommend the practice. I'm just not a morning person, okay?  Or perhaps I should just call it what it is.  I'm lazy.  It's a lesser recognized sin in our day, but still a sin, and one I need to combat fiercely if I'm to become a saint.  

Sloth and gluttony are perhaps my two pet sins, followed up closely by vanity.  I never really thought of myself as vain until recently, when a podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz presented a new angle on vanity, and hit me right where I live.  Since then, I've been trying to do better.  I have a long way to go.  I really need to bring these newly discovered sins to Confession.  Perhaps the Sacrament will fortify me in my efforts to root them out.

Uh oh.  Do you hear that?  It's the sound of a toddler pounding on my door.  Motherhood calls, and I must go. 😉

Until next time.