Sometimes I Hate Being Right

 Wow. I was not wrong! Wednesday proved to be SO much more difficult than Monday. It was like everything (*cough* Satan *cough*) was conspiring against me! I bore with hunger and a low-grade headache all day, plus a case of the grumpies. (Sorry, husband!) Then my beloved husband (maybe I'm less sorry 😂) wanted snacks with TV time. ALL the snacks! And guess who's the dutiful wife who fixes all those yummy snacks and sits beside him starving while he's eating them!!! Well, my own fault. I could have had bread. But I was terrified that if I put anything in my mouth, it would ruin everything. And my fasting bread was still frozen, so all I had access to was grocery store bread, which I worried would definitely make me hungrier. 😟 And then, to cap it off, my teenage son, who had endured an awful day at school, and heroically (for him) not punched anyone, requested a batch of late-night chocolate chip cookies. I dove into those cookies at 12:03. Not exactly proud of that, but hey, I made it. Felt like a woman hanging onto the side of a cliff by her fingernails the last little bit, and my ADF commitment was shot, but I made it to midnight. 😂 Not that I even know where to find those other ADF people. Oops. Someone really needs to comment on that post so I can find it again.

Fasting bread, out and ready for the day

I have my bread out of the freezer today, just in case, but so far, it seems to be going better. Doesn't hurt that my cycle started Wednesday night, so a fair bit of my struggle can probably be attributed to end-cycle hormone issues. I tend to have low progesterone, which brings on a little bit of PMS. 😒

Today, I've agreed to keep the grandbaby overnight, so it should be a fun day. Jacob is already excited, and helped me set up the playpen, contributing one of his own blankets to make it soft and cozy. 😊💕 Ham and beans are in the crock pot, to serve as dinner for those of us who will be eating (i.e., everyone but the cook 😂), and there's plenty of housework to keep me busy, so hopefully I won't be too tempted by food.

Fasting

 So it's been a long time. (Told you this would happen.) Over a month has passed since the last time I sat down to write a post. I followed through with my consecration to our Blessed Mother on her feast day, January 1st (it also seemed an apt way to begin a new year; I may redo it on the same date each year, as recommended. I mean, that's the plan. I'm terrible with follow through.

My consecration bracelet

One of the things Our Lady has since led me to discover is fasting. Not that I'm new to the concept. I'm not, not remotely. I observe the fasts required by the Church on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday (although they always seemed too. . . easy), and I've recently tried observing Ember Days (miserable flop). I also discovered intermittent fasting for health and weight loss over the summer, and took off about 50 pounds, arriving at a weight I had not seen in somewhere between 10 and 15 years. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I've been more successful at fasting for my physical health than my spiritual health. However, I gained a bit back over the holidays, and I was having trouble getting started again. I needed a kick in the pants. And that seems to be what Mary has given me by introducing me to her messages on fasting and prayer, in Medjugorje (not an officially approved apparition yet, but the fruit coming from it seems genuine enough), and also (how did I miss this?) in Fatima. Probably others; I'm no Marian apparition scholar. But the messages in Medjugorje specifically request that the faithful fast on Wednesdays and Fridays, on bread and water. I gave that a try when the Christmas season ended (no fasting during that time frame), but the problem I run into is when I eat, I want to eat more. Such is my disordered relationship with food. So for the moment, I'm going to try simply not eating at all on those days (and also Monday, as a part of an agreement with a small group of fellow intermittent fasters. On Monday, I follow the rules of physical fasting (for lack of a better term in my head at the moment). No food, but coffee and plain tea are allowed. On Wednesdays and Fridays, per our Mother's instructions, I'll also be giving up coffee and tea. Lest you think this is surely dangerous, in IF circles it's fairly well-known as ADF, or alternate day fasting. I haven't tried it before, preferring to stick to a schedule that allows me to eat dinner with my family each night, but I have in the past completed longer fasts, up to 72 hours, so I knew going a single day without food would be quite manageable. It's harder in my mind than in my body. I love food. . . too much. It's unusual to arrive at 100 pounds overweight otherwise. "Social" food times, like dinner with the family, game night (we always have snacks), or watching TV in the evenings with my husband are the hardest times of my day to go without eating. Not because I'm physically hungry, but because food is good and people around me are eating it.

I suspect (Monday is in the books for this week) that Wednesdays and Fridays will be more difficult than Mondays, and not just because caffeine is an appetite suppressant. 😂 I know what difficulties I have had in the past with fasting for spiritual purposes vs. purely physical purposes. I think Satan will be on me harder on those two days. Not because my Monday fast, offered up, is without spiritual fruit, but because those are the two days specifically requested by Mary, so they'll be the ones he wants to derail the most. I have a loaf of Sr. Emmanuel Maillard's fasting bread in the freezer, but honestly, I don't intend to use it. Tried that. Simply not eating at all is easier for me. In the future, when I have grown stronger (and hopefully reach a weight where ADF is no longer a good idea, because I'll want to be maintaining as opposed to losing), I'll try fasting on bread again. Our Lady did say that bread and water is the best fast. Somehow, I don't think she meant "because going without food entirely is better, but I don't think you can manage it." The bread is supposed to be reminiscent of the Eucharistic Christ, and that, I believe, means that spiritually, fasting on only water is lacking something. But right now, I am not where I need to be yet. I asked advice from others, and spoke to a woman whose priest had advised her the same, that going without food entirely was completely acceptable, when one suffers from this particular problem. (I thought I was alone here!)

But, for today, I need to wrap it up here. Perhaps next time, I'll get around to talking about some of the other things that have been going on, or that I've been learning recently. Pray for me, if you happen upon this, even if it's many years old. God is not confined by time. 😉

The Immaculate and the Scapular

 Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception! Today, the universal church celebrates the conception of Our Lady, immaculate, free from stain of sin, through the merits of her Divine Son. We also celebrate her identity as The Immaculate Conception, revealed by her to St. Bernadette at Lourdes. Coincidentally, today's reflection from 33 Days to Morning Glory discusses how the Holy Spirit is also The (uncreated) Immaculate Conception, and Mary's identity as The (created) Immaculate Conception comes from her role as His spouse, and consequently, her unity with Him. Good stuff, and particularly appropriate for this feast of the church, which makes me particularly sure that my choice of this set of dates was no mere coincidence. Our Lord and His Mother have been at work.

Of particular joy to me today, following Mass (because this particular feast is important enough to be named a Holy Day of Obligation), Father Jose enrolled me in the Brown Scapular Confraternity. I've worn a scapular before for a time, but was never officially enrolled, so it's a beautiful blessing to me to be properly invested now. I remember the first time I ever saw a brown scapular, and as a good Southern Baptist, I was properly scandalized. 😂 (Sorry, Allie!) I didn't say anything to my friend, beyond a noncommittal, "Oh, nice," but my mind was somewhere else entirely. To think, anyone would believe they could be guaranteed Heaven, no matter what, just by wearing some stupid cloth necklace! Those Catholics! 😮 Oh, but Our Lord has a sense of humor, and Our Lady must as well, because like so many things Catholic, I only had the smallest bit of information about her scapular. . . just enough to get the wrong idea. No, scapulars are not a Get Out of Hell Free card. They are a share in a monastic habit, specifically that of the Carmelite order. As such, they come with privileges, yes, but also responsibilities. If you fulfill the responsibilities inherent to the brown scapular, you will remain in a state of grace. . . and so merit (by the grace of Our Lord and the merits of His Passion, Death, and Resurrection) entrance to Heaven.

But I'm not here to catechize anyone on scapulars (Thank God). There's a load of information available to anyone who cares to search the internet, and it's far better than anything I could put together, particularly in the time I have available to me today. If you've stumbled upon this in the wilds of the internet (small chance of that, but if), and you're curious, hit up Google. YouTube also has some excellent videos, if listening is more your thing than reading. In fact, maybe I'll embed one here.

This Carmelite priest does a good job explaining the scapular, while keeping it short enough that you'll actually want to watch it. 😂

This is a step for me on the journey, an important one. With this choice, I officially throw in with the Carmelites. I add my prayers to those of the wider community, and claim a share in the merits of their prayers as well. With this choice, I have an entire religious order praying for me, and the promises that Mama Mary attached to it. May I prove a faithful daughter, and wear it without stain or blemish.

Giving Everything to Mary

 So, I did begin the preparation for Marian Consecration as scheduled, even though this is the first time I'm writing about it. What can I say? I'm often busy. The challenge of finding time to write blog posts is the main reason every other blog I've tried to keep has eventually died out. Similarly, journaling hasn't worked out for me at any time I've tried it since I was a teen with a ton of time on her hands. At any rate, today is the 5th day (I believe; book is in the other room) in 33 Days to Morning Glory, and the topic of the day is giving all to Mary. This has been a point of concern for me, I have to admit. Can I do it? Am I truly willing to give all that I have, or will have, all the merits of any prayers, sufferings, or good works, past, present, and future to Our Lady, to do with as she sees fit? I have so many places I'd like to see those graces go. Loved ones, living and dead, who need prayers, and the graces they can obtain. I'm not afraid to stand before God at the end of my life with no merits to call my own. Not if the reason I have none is that I've given them to others, particularly His Blessed Mother. I know it will please Him more for my hands to be empty, in that case. And I know that Mary, having been given all that I could rightly claim as my own, will not leave me hung out to dry, so to speak. I am her daughter, after all. She will look after me. But I've struggled to have the same childlike faith that she will look after all I love, if they don't place themselves in her care as well (or didn't, in the case of those who've already passed). 

But I've come to some realizations recently. First has been, if I give all that is mine to Mary, it also means I entrust those souls who are, to a degree, mine to her care. It means I trust her to look after them. My husband as a beloved son-in-law, my children as grandchildren. And all the rest, similarly. If she loves me, of course she cares for those I love as well. All the prayers, sacrifices, and sufferings I could offer could never merit the graces for them that Mary merits, and desires to give. Second, (and this one hit me just this morning, as I was reading the reflection for the day) Mary, like any woman, but in a more perfect way, multiplies what she is given. The book went on to describe how a peasant might wish to give a gift to the King of his land of a piece of fruit. A meager offering, to be sure, but it's all he has. But when he gives it to the Queen to present to the King for him, she places that fruit on a golden platter, and presents it before the King. And so, thanks to her presentation, the gift becomes "more" than the peasant's meager fruit. 

A nice analogy, but my mind was drawn instead to the story of the loaves and fishes, and the 5,000 fed with a little boy's lunch. If you've never heard the story, I'll sum it up for you. Crowds had gathered to follow Jesus and hear Him teach. They were hungry, and the disciples suggested that Jesus send them away into the town, so that they could buy food for themselves. Jesus, instead, said (and I paraphrase here), "No, you feed them." They were incredulous, as they had no food, and of course they didn't have enough money to buy food for such a large crowd. Five thousand, and that was just the number of the men. Women and children weren't even counted. But then, the miracle happened. A boy in the crowd had brought a lunch, you see. Five loaves of bread (probably small ones) and two fish. He could have kept it for himself. He could have shared it with any family or friends he had, or just those few people nearby. But he didn't. He gave it to Jesus. Jesus blessed the food, and started passing it out, and at the end of the day, all those people were fed, with many baskets of leftovers being gathered up besides. There was far more left over than the boy gave to begin with.

So it is with the graces and merits we place in the hands of Mary. The King's authority is shared by His Queen (for in the Davidic kingdom, the Queen is the King's mother, not his wife as we commonly see in our fairy tales), and what He did with loaves and fishes, she will do with our merits, but only if we give them to her. (For it must be remembered, we really are giving them to Jesus through Mary.) Just like Jesus wouldn't have multiplied the boy's food if it hadn't first been given to him, she cannot add her infinite merits to our own, unless our own are placed in her hands. 

But oh, the graces that will flow when we do! Just like the loaves and fishes, it will go from a meager amount, never enough, to an overflowing abundance. The souls I would like to apply graces to will be "fed," and so many others besides!

Advent

 The season of Advent has arrived! Seven years (officially, eight at heart) a Catholic, and this year, I finally purchased real Advent candles and a holder (though not an actual wreath) to go with them. Being the failure of a human I am, they were ordered on Amazon Prime on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. Murphy being who he is, the candles and book of readings arrived Saturday, but the candle holder was delayed, and arrived Monday. 😒 So we celebrated the first Sunday of Advent with a single purple candle in a $1 taper holder from Wal-Mart. 😂 Ah, well. As my aunt pointed out when I was ranting about my irritations (we had specifically made sure to order things that would arrive on time), it could have been worse. I could have celebrated the first day of Advent with a pretty candle holder, but no candles or readings! 

So far, what I worried would be a fiasco (more readings and prayers at dinner time) has gone remarkably well. I think because instead of getting everyone to wait through everything, we just bless the food and begin dinner, and I read the reflection while everyone else eats! Nobody but mommy has to wait longer for food, or worry about their meal getting cold, and mommy doesn't mind, so it works out.

I also took the opportunity to update our altar space. (Unfortunately, it had to be cleared off to hold an electric roaster on Thanksgiving. Sorry, Jesus!)  

The stable is empty, awaiting the Holy Family's arrival on Christmas Eve.

It feels good to be observing Advent this year. Although I'll never be able to dissuade my husband from putting the tree up the weekend after his birthday, at least we have a few Advent-y touches to properly mark the season of preparation. 

Should probably take down those prayers for the dead and replace them with a St. Andrew novena or something.  

Simplify, Simplify

 For a long time now, I've felt the need to simplify my life. I've decluttered and decluttered, and never seem to make any progress. My foray into Carmelite spirituality only seems to intensify my burning desire for more simplicity. Less clutter. Less stuff. I sincerely feel like I hear God whispering to my heart, "Simplify, simplify."

I desire more time and mental space to focus on God. To focus on prayer and spiritual reading. I've struggled to find it. I'm not a monastic. I'm a wife and mother, and that life can be complicated. Sharing my home and life with so many others means I'm not as free as I would like to exact The Purge. 😂  So many of these things that surround me, and take up so much of my space and time, and occupy my thoughts, aren't even mine. 

And then, as I seek to purge and simplify, there's the problem of the seemingly endless wish list on Amazon, of things I desire as I build my new life, my new self. There's the problem of being poor a lot of the time, and worrying that I will need a thing I have gotten rid of, and be unable to easily replace it. Perhaps this is a sign of lack of trust in God to provide for my needs. My grandmother (a child of the Great Depression) would have called it wisdom. Waste not, want not. She would be horrified at all the things I threw away yesterday. Scrap blue jeans, fabric bits, yarn, half-finished projects that were abandoned years ago. I am who I am, I suppose, and it was time to admit to myself that no matter how much I spent on yarn for that baby blanket (for my niece that turned out to be a nephew at the 11th hour), I was never going to actually finish making it. I intended to finish it for my daughter, when we learned we were having a girl. That never happened either. Most of the time, I don't have time for craft projects, no matter how much I might enjoy them, and I need the space. I need my space to be clearer and not so cluttered up by the dreams of the past.

And if it was time to admit I was never going to finish that baby blanket, it was past time to admit I was never going to finish the sweater my mother started for me when I was a teen. 😳 In all honesty, I probably lack the ability to finish anything she started. Her stitch tension is far tighter than mine, so it would just end up looking goofy anyway. It hurt. I can admit that here. It hurt to pull the needle out of her work and throw it away. But if I can't even finish my own abandoned projects, there's no way I'm going to finish someone else's. It's just stuff, after all. Now, on the other side, with all the wisdom that affords them, I think my mother and grandmother (borderline hoarders, though they were) would understand that. I can't let stuff, no matter how sentimental, be what stands in the way of my spiritual growth.

Simplify, simplify.

I first encountered this little quote (I think it was attributed to Thoreau) in a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. Much like Calvin's parents, I can't do the most obvious thing. 😂

I cannot, no matter how much my husband jokingly suggests it, get rid of all the children. Or him, either, for that matter. *sips coffee*  I love them, after all. And despite my monastic heart, they are my vocation. I just feel an increasing desire to learn to balance the two.

May Jesus and His Blessed Mother, my holy angel, St. Monica, and all the Carmelite saints intercede for me, direct my paths, and teach me how to order my days.

Simplify, simplify.

At the Foot of the Mountain

The date is set.

I have chosen January 1, 2021 (The Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God) for my first consecration to the Immaculate Heart.  November 29th, I will begin the 33 days outlined in 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  (Thanks for the book, Fr. William.)

I have ordered a brown scapular from a free source, as it seems like any time I want to take up this devotion, I suddenly have no spare money with which to purchase one.  I think it's Satan's way of trying to make sure I don't acquire a scapular, in the hopes that I will not undertake this special devotion to Our Lady.  But I have found a source that asks for no money, not even shipping costs, and for their ministry I am grateful.

The undertaking of the Carmelite way is often compared to climbing a mountain (the mountain, of course, being Mount Carmel).  There is even a famous book called Ascent of Mount Carmel, written by the great Carmelite Saint, John of the Cross.  And I do very much feel as though I'm standing at the foot of a spiritual mountain, and pitifully unprepared for the climb.  I cannot even see the summit; clouds obscure my sight.  But Our Lord, Our Lady, and the great saints of Carmel stand at my side.  Through them alone, I am hopeful of reaching the goal.